It is fitting that I wasn’t able to update yesterday, as it allows me to do a double feature today of two related entries in the Star Wars universe. So, at one point after the massive success of the original trilogy, somebody decided, just a year or two after Return of the Jedi finished its run, that it was time to cash in on everybody’s favorite part of that particular film: the loveable, huggable, stuffable teddy bears with spears, the Ewoks. This cash-in on the success of the original trilogy is an eye sore at best, and a blight on the entire Star Wars saga at worst. More than that, however, these films provided audiences with an undeniable truth that many Star Wars fans today wish they would have picked up on back then.
The Ewok films serve no other purpose than to prove that George Lucas was out of his mind almost from the beginning. After Lucasfilm released the Ewok films, Star Wars fans should have seen trouble brewing, and the prequels and the special editions should not have been a surprise to anyone. That fact that Lucas put his name in the Ewok films as being responsible for writing the story should have sent us running for the hills when he announced that he would be writing and directing episodes I, II and III. Shame on us.
Now, to get to the films themselves. These films feature some of the worst ideas in Star Wars history. I knew immediately that these films would be bad when the first film begins with a giant cave-man looking monster with a huge mallot standing over the camera looking mean and scary. I thought “ok, maybe this is for children, but its still part of the Star Wars saga, so it will be cool.” No, sir. Absolutely not. The films are riddled with appalling ideas like this. Another example is an Ewok that moves like the flash, zipping around faster than the eye can track. Really, George? I thought Jar Jar was bad.
The performances in the films were also atrocious. I’m referring to the two main child stars in particular, who’s performances could give Jake Lloyd’s a run for its money for worst child actor ever. I spent most of my time watching these two on screen with my hands clasped over my mouth in utter disbelief. Oh, and was it just me, or did it seem like they tried to make the boy look like the spitting image of Luke Skywalker?
There is nothing good about these films. If you watch them, you are wasting your time and also losing your man-card (if you have one) as well as your dignity. I wish that I could just, wish away my feelings, but I can’t. These movies are in my very soul, tormenting me.